March 29 - Alive

So I apparently reached 44. I wasn't always certain that I would, so the song of the day is very appropriate - even though the lyrics don't describe my life, they do describe how I feel, especially the chorus.

I have a choice on how open and honest I should be in this post, and I think I am landing on very. The truth is that there have been several stopping off places in my life where I thought it was time to exit it all. So, with that, let me take you back in time.

I don’t really remember the first time. It is coming to me in bits and pieces. I was 10, maybe 11. I only know this, because I remember what friend I talked to about it. He was a great guy – probably still is, but I haven’t seen him in 25 years or so. Back then, my bed was wooden, dark brown, and decorated with home-made Kiss stickers. Trading cards and double-sided tape. Kiss was all I was listening to. I had a red and black plaid wool scarf, and above my bed I had a reading light that was drilled securely into the wall. It was a darker orange lamp, almost red. I would practice tying the scarf to the lamp and tightening it around my neck. Not enough to leave any marks or passing out – but I was practicing. I didn’t think that I should be around anymore. But... It passed.

The second time was different. I remember the moment with vivid clarity. I was driving home after spending the evening with my girlfriend, the relationship was going well, the night was clear, and the moon bathed the snow covered landscape with the electric blue light only crisp winter nights can have. The music on my stereo was upbeat, and my life seemed better than ever. It was at that exact moment I realized that I wanted to die. I was 21, almost 22 then. It's been half a lifetime.

This time the feeling had a name: Depression. My depression snuck in with gentle reminders that I wasn’t as good as I should be. Actually, the word ‘should’ was the core element of my whole experience with depression. I find it interesting how one word like that can take over and control your whole life. For me, the word ‘should’ stole ten years of my life. Ten years where all my energy gradually was poured into hating myself for not living up to my own standards – I wasn’t who I ‘should’ be. 

The thing about depression is that it turns into one of those acquaintances who see you as a really close friend. The kind that knows you better than you want it to. The kind that doesn't really knock on the door but just comes in and starts making itself at home. The kind that always overstays its welcome. And the kind that insists on coming back even after you kick it out.

So it's been half a lifetime since I discovered depression and was able to put a name to it. But I really met depression way before then. I could trace that episode back to my junior year in high school - but I think I really met depression even younger than that. Like around 10 or 11. Maybe I knew this without realizing it when I in middle school decided I wanted to study psychology.

But I was 22 when I first tried to kick it out. It took all I had to tell my parents and a few select friends. My earlier mentioned relationship had ended, and I am positive some thought I was just heartbroken. However, I was convinced by my parents that I needed to see someone, so I went to a psychiatric nurse, who must have had some diploma mill degree, because all he said after I logically and analytically had explained what was going on was that I was resourceful enough to figure it out. I eventually found another therapist, one that worked - and then I had to find yet another one, and by the time I reached 27, almost a decade after what I could trace as a starting point to this episode, I did kick depression out.

So where am I today? Well... It still visits. It comes sitting at my bed from time to time. I am usually good at getting rid of it, but sometimes it takes a long time. A very long time. I think knowing it makes me a better counselor. Empathy comes easy for me - and it is very genuine. I work really hard to be less of who I 'should' be and more of who I genuinely am. I also pour some energy into working for suicide prevention. But most of all I try not to get too friendly with it when it visits. I have lived half my life knowing it - and I am not quite done yet. So for that reason alone, Pearl Jam's Alive is a triumphant shout out today, as I celebrate yet another year.