I think it all started when my age still was in the single digits and I realized there was no Santa Claus. In Norway, the tradition is that Santa Claus (julenissen) comes and delivers the presents sometime after the big Christmas dinner on Christmas eve. Thinking back, I should have realized that something was up knowing that either my mom or my dad was always missing when Santa came knocking - there was always an errand that couldn't wait - and the Santa came. This year in question, the problem was that Santa was wearing my mom's shoes. This was a very unique pair of shoes, with gray wool that was felted (tovet in Norwegian), much in the Sami tradition - at least that's how I remember them. Noticing this, I started looking for other similarities, and the voice then gave it away. It's actually interesting to me how you don't notice things like how the voice is similar when you don't expect it to be. But I had it figured out - and all of a sudden, all the years of believing in Santa evaporated and I realized it was all something the adults had done all along.
The connection didn't happen right away, but after a while, I did start thinking about the possibility that if the adults had been lying about Santa, could they be lying about other beings as well, such as God and Jesus. After all, Santa was one of the most important figures in my life, because although he only showed up once a year, it wasn't only like Christmas when he came, it was Christmas, and Christmas was the best thing ever - next to my birthday. That's when I started questioning whether there really was a god. I had grown up with the Bible stories in school - I went to school when Christendom still was a separate subject in Norway that pretty much exclusively taught Bible stories from the earliest grades on - and I suddenly found myself asking to what extent could I believe them.
I think the main issue for me in the beginning was the long discussed subject of suffering given that the Christian God is omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent - he (because we all know that it is an old white man with a long beard - at least that's who I always envisioned) is all-powerful, all-seeing, and all good. That did not make sense to me - how could someone who could see it all and have the power to do something about it be good when there was suffering in the world? The answer that always came back was, "because he gave mankind free will," often coupled with, "God works on mysterious ways." Both statements are great examples of an application of Kierkegaard's "leap of faith" - but they did not work for me.
Not getting answers that I not only wanted but also needed at that point in my life made me pretty militant - to the point of hunting down obscure Bible verses to try to pin down a local vicar in the Church of Norway that had been invited to our class in 8th grade to help answer questions about Christianity and the Bible. I am not proud to say that I (along with two friends) succeeded beyond our wildest dreams, as we brought the vicar to tears on a couple of occasions. What felt like a victory then certainly feels like an embarrassment now.
As I got older, my views softened quite a bit, but I still don't believe. I simply see no evidence for a god. I don't want this to be a big theological argument whatsoever - because while I don't see any evidence for a god, I know that many do. And I am very ok with that. I am not part of the so-called new atheism, where people like Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and now deceased Christopher Hitchens (and there are more, I know this) feel like it is their missionary duty to tell everybody else they are wrong. I don't. I am very ok with acknowledging that we all look at the same evidence and reach different conclusion. Of course I think I am right... :-) The only thing I don't like is when people try telling other people how they should live their lives based on their own beliefs, such as deciding who should be allowed to marry and who should not (two words provides a clue to my position: consenting adults). I don't have an issue with churches saying that, "in our church, this is who can get married," but I have an issue with people saying effectively, "I don't like it, so no one can do it."
Now the paradox for me is that I love church buildings. I love visiting them, and I love the peace I feel when I enter them. And I love a lot of religiously themed music. Now, I don't listen much to Christian rock - the bands that make their religion a mission - but there are songs that are very strong in their religious themes that just resonate well with me. One of these songs is by Prince. It was released on the Sign O' The Times album - and this is a live version of it from the film of the same name that was released back in 1987 as well. I remember going to the movie theater to see it - and The Cross was a great way to end the movie!
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